Praying Through: Psalm 49

I am so ashamed
  because I have tried so hard
  to take the things of this world
  with me to the end
  and foolishly
  beyond the end.

I pat myself on the back
  and congratulate myself
  for not chasing after wealth
  power
  or anything else
  and called myself holy
  and worthy to be in your presence.

But the one thing I sought
  for all of my days
  was not you
  never you
  but to fulfill the lusts
  I had within my heart.

The more sex
  the more porn
  the more perversion
  the more idolatry
  the more immorality
  I could grab a hold of
  the better.

And exactly like the world
  I dare justify it
  and ignored it
  and destroyed everything around me to obtain it.

But you, O Lord
  like how you saw Noah in the midst of evil
  how you saw John in the midst of his mother's womb
  how you saw Paul in the midst of his blasphemy
  you saw me.

I was not lovely to look at
  my heart was grotesque and wicked
  and hated others
  especially women.

But you set your eyes upon me
  you appear
  you called upon me
  called me to life
  and I was dead in my trespasses
  but dead men have no choice
  but to be risen to life
  when they are awaken by the Living God.

How many times
  have I tried to wander
  back to death
  since then.

But how many more times
  have you
  come and get me.

Keep my feet planted
  O Lord
  break my heart
  seal my soul
  and don't release me
  until I see you face to face.

Amen