A Life of Compromise: 6. Yearning For Comfort in Sin
Last updated: 06 May 2020 15:53
Yearning For Comfort in Sin
With corruptive knowledge infecting your heart and mind, you need to run somewhere for comfort. My mom was gone. My grandma was far away. My stepmom likes to beat me and feed me moldy sandwiches. My dad was certainly not a source of comfort. I am the oldest child.
I had nowhere to run.
When a child is being groomed by an adult to be sexually preyed upon, most of the time, it comes in the form of pornography. Looking back, porn helped to desensitize me to what my dad wanted to do to me. I couldn’t run because I was already ashamed.
My dad never hid his porn addiction. His magazines, books, and movies were in direct sight. Hustler and Penthouse magazines on the coffee table. XXX video conveniently left in the VCR from the night before. Little published journals celebrate pedophilia near the bathroom sink. And the fact that my dad walked around in the mood.
So, between the ages of five and twelve, whatever conscience was given to by God (Romans 2:15-16) that would help me flee and run for help, was being seared by my dad by the consistent exposure to porn.
But here is where it all started, not with magazines, books, or movies, but with a Polaroid of my topless stepmother. My dad gave it to me and asked, “Would you like to f*ck her?” I don’t even know what my response was. He then said, “I can get that set up for you.”
Ever since that point, I think more so than the porn that was lying around the house, I have been consumed with lustful thoughts and daydreams that turn into night dreams that cemented the foundation for what would be a crippling addiction to porn.
And you have to understand the timing of this all. I didn’t graduate high school until 1993, just moments before the Internet became as normal as having electricity in your home. Yet, throughout high school, it was so easy for me to get my hands on porn. Newsstands who were famous for never asking for ID. When you paid for cable with your high school job and was able to order pay per view at a whim. My drawing notebooks filled with images of the female body.
Here’s the strangest way that I got a hold of porn: a folded up piece of magazine pages lying on the street right in front of my bus stop at 6 AM.
My access to porn was always convenient.
I would go through these cycles of getting porn, being ashamed of the porn, destroying the porn, only to double up on the porn the next time around. And that pattern followed me through high school, into the military, and right into civilian life. And when high-speed Internet became a staple, I was long gone into false comfort, numbing out, and relief of being around porn.
I felt like I was one of the first people I knew to get the giant computer hard drives. I also learned how to run web and file servers to organize my porn collection. This experience parlayed into working for several porn sites.
When I was processing the effects of porn on my dad’s life and the harm it did in my life, my anger burned against every single person who enabled my dad’s porn addiction. But by my own wicked and depraved actions allowed me to be an even greater porn dealer than those people could ever hope to be. My sinful hypocrisy is not lost on me.
And just like my dad, I was unashamed in sharing my porn addiction with my first wife. And at the time, she seemed to approve of it. But later on in divorce counseling, she told me then that she was devastated by it. No surprised there. But I was surprised because it was the first time in my life that I realized that my porn addiction affected other people–especially those closest to me.
That surprise was not enough to stop the destructive behavior that I had with relationships.
In all of my years of dating and marriages, I strived to keep everybody at arm’s length. That is why I am so good with people: I have a million friends, and I don’t let them into my heart and into my life. I would even go as far as to share my childhood trauma with strangers so that they would think I am letting them in my life. I called it my “bag of vulnerability tricks.” And I could use the same bag of tricks with both my first and second wife. Any guesses how those marriages ended?
Why would I never let people in? Because all of my life, every adult who was supposed to love, protect, and care for me did the opposite of that. I knew for a fact that the closer someone is to you, the more they will hurt you.
So my life consisted of this: I will have friends, girlfriends, and even wives but don’t let them in. And when I needed actual intimacy, comfort, and closeness, I will turn to the one thing that has always been there and never hurt me: porn.
I thought porn would never hurt me. But it did and in the worst way. Porn broke my mind. You see, I can say I was so above cat-calling, and I never objectified women. I was trying to be a “nice guy” to everybody that knew me. But inside, I hated women so bad. My mind so filled with porn, I could go years stranded on a desert island and still get my porn fix. Inside my soul, I was objectifying women all day long. When I got into a relationship, I would eventually be shocked and dismayed that they wanted to know more of me, and I had nothing to give them. Why? Because I couldn’t let them in because they would hurt me. Just like my mom, dad, grandma, and stepmom did.
While porn never broke my heart, it certainly kept my heart from properly healing. Porn was good at keeping gaping wounds open and bleeding.
For the first time in my life, I have a wife who sees deeply into my soul and is still with me to this day (that still scares the crap out of me). And God has done a miraculous work in my heart and mind where porn is no longer part of my life.
Here’s the real kick in the ass: it seems to always haunt my soul. When my brother passed away a few months ago due to cancer, where did I turn to in my grief and sadness?
Not God. Not my wife. Not my mentor. Not my counselor. Not my friends.
“Wretched man that I am! Who would save me from this body of death?” (Romans 7:24)
I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed the words of the Apostle John, “Come Lord Jesus!”(Revelation 22:20) I honestly don’t give a rip if you haven’t met all of your life goals or gotten married yet. I need the Lord Jesus Christ to come right now and get me. This world and the hopelessness that it is giving me is garbage. The world around me stinks and I am tired of it. Come Lord Jesus. Come and get this man whom you have saved.