A Life of Compromise: 5. Why Am I Being Hurt? [Part 1]
Last updated: 04 May 2020 16:37
Why Am I Being Hurt?
Up until this point, until the age of seven, I have lived a life of confusion, fear, isolation, abandonment, never-safe, and scared. But when my Dad first asked me to touch his penis, little did I know in that moment, there were going to be a whole slew of feelings and emotions that were going to haunt me and seek to destroy me and those around me for the rest of my life.
God do I wish that it started at that point when my Dad attempted to molest me. But I distinctly when I lived in Lake Dallas around the 2nd grade. I had a birthday party and a girl slightly older than me there helping me celebrate. I remember being sweet on her and she was so nice to me. It was at the party when I overheard my dad saying something way inappropriate about this girl. That broke my mind in half. I never looked at her that way but I felt sick to my stomach that my dad was saying these things about my friend.
And God do I wish that was the end of that but no. My Dad, controlled by lust and fueled by the most depraved, sickening grotesque porn that he could get and turn his wickedness upon me. It started by asking me to touch him or kiss him like lovers do. And it stopped five years later when I said, “No” and just walked out of the room.
Between those two bookends in my life, I was made to do what no child should ever have to do.
But here is the real sick part: the knowledge of it all.
Let me be blunt here and ask some basic questions that I wanted answer as a kid who should be worried about Transformers and G.I. Joe and Ramona Quimby.
- Why do I know what it is like to kiss a man passionately on the lips?
- Why do I know what my dad’s penis or any other penis in the world tastes like and feels like in my mouth?
- Why do I know what cum taste like?
- Why do I know what a blowjob is?
- Why have I seen my stepmother naked?
- Why did I know what vaginal intercourse?
- Why did I know what oral sex was?
- Why did I know what swinging was?
- Why did I know what anal intercourse was?
- Why do I know what its like to be anally raped?
Why do I know those things? Of all the things in the world to know, why did I know those things before entering into the 4th grade? Like think about the 4th grade. I remember memorizing my multiplication and division table. I remember reading book series like Encyclopedia Brown. I remember the A-Team got recaptured and had to plea bargain a crappy deal with government for their supposed freedom. I remember when KITT got a much needed upgraded that turned him into a kick-butt low grade Lamborghini Countach and with a convertible mode to boot.
I remember this one school Christmas party at such a time I was obsessed with the aforementioned Transformers. All I wanted was Transformers. And we did a gift exchange at school. I was hoping and praying for a Transformer because at least it would be mine. But instead I got McDonald gift cards. I was crushed not because I didn’t like McDonald’s (I love McDonald’s) but that gift was not Transformers.
(Robert, I remember you giving the gift. If you are reading this, I am sorry for the shitty things I said. It was an awesome gift. I was a messed up kid with a jacked up home.)
See, that is normal grade school kid knowledge.
But I knew deep down in my heart my perverted evil Dad and his wife wouldn’t take me to McDonalds. My Dad was too busy trying to molest or rape his own kids or someone else not his wife or kids.
I am cursed with knowledge of anything sexual all before the age of 10.
This knowledge has destroyed me in ways I cannot begin to count and in this memoir, I will try my best to unpack it all.
But let me unpack and attack back on the easiest, lowest hanging fruit: the world.
You see, I grew up in the world that was given to me by my Dad. My Dad and his generation began the Sexual Revolution which essentially taught us to do whatever you wanted if it made you feel good. Even if that meant having your 7 year old son to put his mouth on your private parts.
I have this cursed knowledge and at the same time, I grew up in a world that is trying to tell me, “Because you have that knowledge, you must be gay. You must have romantic and sexual feelings for other men.” Or, “This is normal and acceptable.” Or whatever garbage is coming out their mouths.
Nearly thirty years later, I almost bought it all the trash. I almost believed it all the world after years of being worn down by the world.
It wasn’t until God saved me and it wasn’t until God healed me that I had to embrace the fact that my Dad and the world were absolutely wrong.
How did I know that? I don’t know. I can only explain by what the Apostle John said in his Gospel, “We have all received grace upon grace.” Now, how do I know that now? That’s the easy part. My Dad was arrested, tried, and sent to prison for nearly 400 years for thinking the same way that the world thought. And now I am living in a world that is trying to convince me to identify myself by my sexual appetite and what I choose as my gender.
Oh, I see. Because for most of my life I should identified as a Dad-Giving-Blowjob, Anally Raped as a Child, Crippling Porn Addicted, ED Drug Taking Korean/White Suburban Hetero Male who really never had a firm grip on life or love.
Hello world? Did I get that label right? Can I go ahead and put that into my Twitter bio?
No, I don’t think so. The Apostle Paul got it right: Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death?
Who is going to save me from this torment and persecution?
Who is going to wash away this stench upon my soul?
Who is strong enough, good enough, loving enough and willing and able to take away my cursed knowledge?
As a 7 year old little boy who just wanted to be little and did not want to be infected with cursed knowledge, I did not know.